Apparently today is Opposite day, a fun day where you can say the opposite of what you mean. Sounds funny, but nothing comes to my mind with this theme. And doing the opposite on opposite day, seems too obvious. Therefore something different, 10 ‘opposite jokes’ I picked from upjoke.com
10. Old but gold
A blonde and a brunette are walking on opposite sides of the river…
The brunette yells to the blonde, “How do you get to the other side of the river?”
To which the blonde replies, “Um, you ARE on the other side!”
9. Ooops
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, “Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place….”
I asked, “Are you single?”
She replied, “No, I am a dentist.”
8. Holey Golf
Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day.
The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee.
Jesus steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake.
Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land on the green.
Moses steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands in the middle of the lake.
Moses parts the water, walks down to his ball and smacks it out onto the green.
The old man steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, straight up into the air and headed for the middle of the lake……
BUT, before the ball hits the water, a giant bass jumps up, and swallows the ball. Before the bass hits the water, an eagle swoops out of the sky, snatches the bass and starts to fly away! A sudden clap of thunder startles the eagle, the bird drops the bass onto the green, the ball pops out of the bass’ mouth, straight into the cup! Hole In ONE!
Jesus turns around to the old man and says: “Nice shot, Dad. Now will you quit fuckin’ around and play golf??”
7. Pregnant?
A wife sits down opposite her husband and takes his hand in hers.
Wife: Honey, I’ve got something to tell you.
Husband: What is it?
Wife: Darling, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hello pregnant, I’m dad!
Wife: …..no you’re not.
6. Burka
What is the opposite of a woman wearing a burka?
A naked man wearing a blindfold
5. Young vs Old
What’s the opposite of “young, dumb, and full of cum”?
“Old, smart, and can’t trust a fart”.
4. Up/down
A skydiver is unable to open their chute and sees a guy passing them in the opposite direction holding a matchstick.
Skydiver says, “do you know anything about parachutes?”
Guy replies, “do you know anything about gas cookers?”
3. Funny busride
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied…”Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming” and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”….. “it was then that I…. lost it”
2. A wise man…
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other……
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled – “I don’t make way for idiots!”
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back – “I do!” and backed up his car…
1. Sorry 😉
A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.
Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.
Vagina: That’s nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.
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Why are you still scrolling down? It’s your turn to speak.